exploring life in all its variety

October 22, 2006

Need and greed

I’ve been keeping an eye on my greed recently, my attachment to the material world that pulls me in and makes me desire something.

We live in a world where one is considered just a little insane if one doesn’t value the material, the necessity for money that we call practicality. There are degrees of practicality, though. There’s survival. We do need to ensure we have what we need, and if we love our family and friends, we want to see their needs met as well. We value responsibility, honesty, the abililty to take on debt responsibly and pay what we owe.

But there’s a point beyond survival, making ends meet, and responsibility — even beyond having a pleasant, reasonably comfortable existence. There’s a point at which what one person desires and thinks he’s entitled to is more important to him than what others need. That’s the greed zone. It’s alarmingly easy to slide into.

I’ve always been one of those impractical types, an artsy, dreamy, non-money-oriented kind of person. Adult necessity forced me to seek money. It was simply a gross requirement forced on me by growing up. I never saw myself as greedy. Thrifty, perhaps, because my mom tended to consider waste of food or things or money a near-capital offense.

But I have other forms of greed besides a desire for money. I still want the things money can buy. A larger house, nicer clothes, a new car, a vacation, a new sofa, and so on and so forth. It’s just that the business world never appealed to me that much, even when I was part of it, so I tended to reject the notion of money. But things, oh how I love my things, and those things I don’t have that I’d like to have. This easily becomes an obsession, wanting things I don’t have and, once I have them, a kind of ennui or boredom sets in that leads to wanting the next things on my list. It’s a kind of hunger, never satisfied, and the more I feed it the more it grows.

But I’ve been recently working on distancing myself a little so I can look at this more objectively. I’m attempting to be more aware of my greed quotient these days, to find a balance between need and greed, and to turn those more lustful greedy desires into self-love, compassion, and creative action.

In this I feel like an infant. I have a long ways to go.

But think about it. Where do you draw the line between your need and your greed? And when you think you must have some thing, what is it you really long for? Will that thing really provide it? Do you need it, or do you want it, or is your desire for it a sign of a deeper hunger, maybe even a deeper boredom? Once you have it, will you grow tired of it and set it aside, or wish you hadn’t wasted hard-earned money or effort on obtaining it? Will it disappoint you with its unfulfilled promise? This applies to food, too, I’ve found. Will I wish I hadn’t eaten it?

My new, yet ancient, watch words: Be careful what you wish for.

File: — Barbara @ 11:53 am PST, 10/22/06
October 13, 2006


I think there is a certain amount of unavoidable grief in every life that we simply have to learn to find ways to live with and still function. Not every illness is treatable, some of us have to put up with pain, and we inevitably lose some people we love. The older we get the more of this we endure. For me, a certain amount of spiritual and philosophical focus is the answer. A faith and surrender that allows me to see that this is simply how things are, and to make the best of it. I’m much more selective, as I near 50, about what I allow myself to dwell on. If I can’t change it, I refuse to worry about it. If I can do something, but not enough, I do what I can and leave the rest to a higher power. If I can do so intelligently, I write or talk about the things we can change and encourage others to do something. That communication increases my range as far as ability to do something. But it’s important to let go of the outcome, leave it to God/dess, and not be arrogrant enough to think that I can ever change everything, or even that I should be allowed to if I could.

File: — Barbara @ 3:53 pm PST, 10/13/06
October 3, 2006

Individuality and friendship

We can respect others’ differences, and accept them, even love them unconditionally, without thinking we have to make everyone a bosom buddy. I believe we’re here to learn, and each is a work in progress, so I tend not to expect too much perfection of others. But I’m choosy about my close relationships. I have to feel that I can be absolutely myself and not be judged or have others try to mould and shape me to their ideals — mainly because I tend to be impressionable and want to please everyone, so I find myself in pretzel shapes trying to do so instead of taking care of my true needs. Limiting my close ties helps me avoid that.

File: — Barbara @ 2:12 pm PST, 10/03/06
August 7, 2006

A little blonde girl

A little blonde girl has shown up in my dreams repeatedly for years. I never connected all her appearances until recently when I began to read back through some dream journals and realized she’s been present in my dreams, off and on, for a such long time. I’m not even sure how far back, because my dream journals aren’t continuous but rather sporadic. Every now and then she shows up, always the same, a little blonde about four years old. Sometimes she takes an active part in the dream. Others she’s more of a bystander looking on, or a mysterious figure in the dream that I’m curious about. Some of the dreams she’s shown up in were premonitions. (I’ll have to share more about those in another post, another time.) I’ve wondered in the past if she were a child I’d have one day, or a project or concern that I needed to nurture along, maybe a more vulnerable aspect of myself, or perhaps even a spirit guide. Since I’m now past childbearing age, I know she’s not my own child-to-be

I got to thinking about her again this morning, and I decided to use the Faeries Oracle, by Brian Froud and Jessica Macbeth, to read about her. I drew three cards:

34 Sylvanius
13 Solus
19 The Sage

Then one more from the bottom as something hidden:

52 The Rarr

1) A part of me, the childlike, eager part always excited by new prospects, curious, dreaming how things will turn out. A part that often feels intimidated, a need to hide, sits behind the adult facade or mask the world sees.

2) A new development or turn in my life, something to nurture along and give my energy, imagination, attention, and effort.

3) A need to not control too tightly (the way adults do) but to allow something to mature at its own rate, to be patient rather than urgent, not to worry or force, but to nudge and contemplate it into something beautiful—through simplicity rather than complexity.

4) Energy—an energy that is quick, raw, sparkling, that arouses easily and is as soon dissipated. I need to earth myself, and take advantage of any wild energy burst while it’s here.

File: — Barbara @ 5:00 pm PST, 08/07/06
August 4, 2006

Looking closer

It’s amazing when you look more closely at your own back yard, how the place you consider ordinary can suddenly appear exotic and new. When we lived in a suburb of San Diego, my husband and I used to examine every insect, every bird, every weed we encountered in our yard. Once we saw what we thought was an earthworm, and on closer inspection it turned out to be a kind of salamander, with tiny legs and a face—all packaged up to seem to be an earthworm. What trick of adaptation caused it to take that form I’ll never know.

Seeing that reminded me to always look a little closer, to never assume I know any place, even my own back yard, as well as I could.

File: — Barbara @ 5:49 pm PST, 08/04/06
July 5, 2005

July new moon

July’s New Moon is faded light within fading light. The year’s light fades after the solstice, the moon is dark. The new moon influences me to throw things out, physically, mentally, emotionally. If I don’t want something to grow, that is sometimes the only answer. I’m repulsed by consumerism, recently, as I take on new interests and leave others behind. I tire of being made to feel I must have something in order to do what I do properly or be one of the crowd, or in order to be beautiful enough or have a nice enough home.

File: — Barbara @ 6:35 pm PST, 07/05/05
June 5, 2005

New moon

I haven’t been paying as much attention to the moon as I usually do. Then today I found myself having a bit of a down day, quiet, introspective, but with a very busy mind. I realized the moon is turning today—rather tomorrow—ending its waning and getting ready to grow in the sky. No wonder I’ve been in my own darker corners, cogitating and gestating ideas but not getting a whole lot done.

Do you track the moon through its phases and the signs of the zodiac? Do you celebrate the new or full moon, or both? How does the moon affect you? Are you aware of your inner tides?

File: — Barbara @ 4:29 pm PST, 06/05/05


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